I'm back from Honduras. I wish I could have spent a month there. I've never been that happy, for that long before. Eleven more days in Houston. Then Marj will be in town. After that I will officialy be a freshman at Loyola. I just want it to start. I want my life in New Orleans to change. It's up to me, and I will change it. It can't be like high school was. I decided on my major. I'm tired of being in the land of stuff.

So all of those people that say time heals and it gets easier as time goes on are full of it. You just kind of adjust. It looks like I'm gonna go to Loyola. I've been hearing so many rumors about people I used to be so close to, and I just have no idea if any of them are true or not, and I feel like I should have some idea. I need to get the fuck, figure shit out, and not be linked to these same people. I love all of those people, and thats a part of the problem.

Just make it stop.
Please.
I want to be excited about my senior year, but i can't.
There's a huge hole in my life.
I had a strange sense of community with all of this.
I only want to be with the people that miss her as much as i do. Being with anyone else, feels pointless.

I love you.

Thank you.

Exactly ten days before my seventeenth birthday.
I can't find my acutal journal or a pen.
Today has been one of the worst days of my life.
The girl I grew up with, that knew me for who i really was and saw through all my bullshit is gone. She held me together, she was like my sister. I grew up with her and her family.Her, her mom and dad died in their house today... it caught fire.
I have so many emotions.
I dont know how to deal with this.
There are some people that i wished would have contacted me today.
Its times like this you really know who is there for you, and it always a shock to see who is, and sadly, who isnt.
I hate all the "r.i.p. soandso" bullshit, and the myspace bulletiens about Katie, yeah, no doubt we need to talk about it and never forget her. But a myspace bulletien? come on guys.
I keep wondering what Katie would want me to do right now. I don't know what she would say, and that scares me so much. I can't forget her.
I want to sleep until the end of this school year.
I just coudn't have a normal year.
My grandmother, surogate gradnmother, one of my best friends and her parents all died with in months of each other.
For my birthday you could make this all a bad dream.

I hate it when people tell me what to do.
My mom told me to talk to her, and I had no idea what to say... what do you tell someone when it's the last time you'll ever speak to them on this earth? I talked about farts.
Then I told her I loved her and I didn't blame her for anything that happened, and I didn't want her to be scared anymore of dieing, and that everything would be okay. Was that okay? I don't even know if she heard or understood what I was saying.The funeral is going to be miserable, the familly that has ignored me for 4 years will be there and probably the man that created all of this, the man that raped,and kidnapped my grandmother. How am I supposed to survive that?
I feel bad for not crying and not being more upset about this whole ordeal. Yeah, I'm sad, and this is all very depressing, but I'm okay,kind of. Is that normal? Am I carzy for not being more upset? I need to get home, i don't want to miss exams or exam review day. It almost 2 am and I can't sleep. I'm talking to Diego on Myspace instant messaging... its so random.

I'm at home ( ms. Jenny and Jesse's house) sick.
My mom is in Wyoming.
Everything is almost perfect.
I'm doing really well in school.
I like a boy and vise versa.
I have friends.
I've learned how to cope with my dad and familly.
But I still feel like Victoria hates me and that she dosen't want me to be a part of her life, and thats okay, if its what she wants.
This weekend I was an idiot.
I said things that I want no one to know about and I hooked up with someone I don't like. But that's cleared up, he likes Jesse.
I had to talk to Jordan and Remi about what I said because I don't want anyone to know.
I'm done drinking.
We almost had to bring Jesse to the hosptial for alcohol poisoning.It's not worth it.
I joined a bird watching society at Tulane... because I go to Tulane right?

You just spent ten dollars to lean on a brick wall.
I think you suck.

This made me so mad.
So I'm in the car with my dad and Delery. They're discussing Africa (my dad was recently in Nigeria)and she say's "you know I really don't care about any of that stuff in Africa." FUCK YOU!HOW COULD YOU FUCKING SAY THAT... YOU DON'T CARE THAT MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE DIEING,BEING RAPEd,MURDED.It's people like her that make this place so horrible... they could care less. You should care because if not, who will? Who's going to help them? They need help just like you do.
I guess I'm jaded. The people that raised me and the people I was surrounded by as a kid had one thing on their minds and that was helping people... people that weren't just familly. But any human being.

I can't sleep. And I was just thinking about that. I want to help.

Alex made me a livejournal.

Now I've got a livejournal.

Yve